ADHD Mums

Being a mum is hard enough. Being a mum with ADHD — or raising neurodivergent kids — is a whole different level. ADHD Mums is the unfiltered, science-meets-reality podcast hosted by Jane McFadden — an Autistic and ADHD mum with a Master's in Neuroscience and Psychology and certification as an ADHD and Autism assessor. This isn't another polished parenting show with 'ten easy tips'. It's real stories, confessions we're not supposed to say out loud, and the research that explains why so many of us are running on empty. Every week you'll hear: 🎙️ Confessions — raw, anonymous truths from mums navigating rage, burnout, and survival. 🧠 Expert insights — from clinicians, researchers, and policy leaders on ADHD, autism, and mental health. 💬 Advocacy in action — exposing ADHD medication shortages, NDIS red tape, and the hidden costs mothers carry. With over 1 million downloads from around the world, the podcast has influenced ADHD reforms in Australia, been featured in national media, and pushed politicians to answer the questions mothers are asking. If you've ever screamed in the car, forgotten every form until the night before, or wondered if you're the only one falling apart — this podcast is your proof that you're not broken, you're just telling the truth. New episodes weekly. Join the Facebook group: facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

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  Episode #23

  Why You Can't Accept Kindness: Masking, Surface Acting and the Wall That Blocks Love In

  Aug 19, 202629 minS4

  Your best friend leaves a box of tampons on your doorstep on the worst day of your fortnight — no fuss, no waiting around, just quietly handling the piece of the nightmare nobody else saw. And you well up. Real tears. And then you wait ten minutes to make sure she's gone before you'll even open the door, delete the thank-you you started typing, and walk off. Because you could not have said it to her face if someone paid you. If you're the woman who leaves a gift on a doorstep and runs, who dodges goodbyes with people she loves, who can't stand inside a thank you — you've probably filed that away as proof you're cold. Broken in the part where you're meant to feel things. This episode is Jane pulling that file back out and finding the opposite: it's not that the love is missing. It might be flooding. Masking, surface acting, and the wall that goes up right where other people let love in — and why every piece of advice you've been given points you the wrong way. CHAPTERS 00:00 — Twenty-one, on an Emirates training flight, and my face is the problem 01:34 — Learning the Barbie-princess smile in the mirror 02:32 — The box of tampons, and the door I couldn't open 04:45 — Ten minutes, a deleted text, and walking off in tears 05:31 — The filing cabinet: 'there's something wrong with me,' opened at 2am 06:22 — The goodbyes I swerve, the thank-yous I can't stand in 07:43 — 'I'm not cold. I cried over a box of tampons.' 08:33 — The real problem: a feeling with no volume control 08:56 — What was actually happening on those flights 13:46 — Surface acting: the sociologist who studied this in 1983 16:05 — Two settings — perform the okay face, or leave 18:49 — Why every piece of 'just be present' advice fails someone like me 20:55 — The therapy this is secretly built on — ACT, and acting on what you value 23:00 — The moment was never the love. The tampons mattering that much was. 25:04 — What I'd do differently: feel it, then send something real by text 26:50 — You get to love people in your own way WHAT WE COVER The Emirates training flight where Jane was told, over and over, that her technically-perfect service didn't matter — her face did Learning to perform the 'Barbie princess' smile in the mirror, and what years of that installs in a nervous system The box of tampons on the doorstep — one of the kindest things anyone's ever done for her — and why she waited for her friend to leave before she'd open the door The 2am filing cabinet labelled 'there's something wrong with me,' and the subtheme she found inside it The goodbyes she actively swerves, the gifts she leaves 'like a robber,' and the years of reading all of it as proof she's cold The reframe: it was never a missing feeling — it's a feeling that arrives with no volume control, like a flood, with nowhere safe to show it What was really happening on those flights — the workers, the conditions, the smiling over something that was not fine — and how surface acting burns you out Why every piece of standard advice — slow down, be present, make eye contact, receive it properly — aims you straight at the exact thing your body evacuates for a reason The evidence-based therapy this is secretly built on, and the one shift inside it that changes everything What Jane would do differently now — and the real, texted, kitchen-bench version of 'thank you' that works for a nervous system like hers FREE RESOURCES ADHD Physical Health & Emotional Wellbeing Kit — for the emotional-regulation and burnout side of years of masking — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-physical-health-emotional-wellbeing-kit/ Energy Accounting Guide — for the cost of surface acting, day after day — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ PAID RESOURCES ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/ RELATED EPISODES Too Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & the Power of Emotional Intensity — S2 EP83, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/ An RSD Story. Taking My Own Advice — S1 EP9, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/an-rsd-story-taking-my-own-advice-s1-ep9/ You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/ Masking & ADHD — S1 EP11, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/masking-adhd-s1-ep11/ REFERENCES & FURTHER READING On 'surface acting' — the 1983 flight-attendant research: Hochschild, A. R. (1983). The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling. University of California Press. On Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): an evidence-based therapy built on acting in line with your values rather than waiting to feel the 'right' feeling first. The most widely used plain-language ACT resource in Australia is Dr Russ Harris's The Happiness Trap. Listener Questions & Community ️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group Receive the episodes in your inbox

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  Episode #22

  When You Say Too Much: ADHD, Oversharing and the Room Going Quiet

  Aug 17, 202626 minS4

  Have you ever answered a simple question with the whole real answer — and watched the room go a particular kind of quiet? Have you ever lain awake at 2am running back one thing you said in a group chat three years ago, certain everyone clocked it the way you did? Have you ever walked out of a room having already decided you were the too-much one before anyone said a word? There's a reason your brain gave the director's cut when everyone else gave three sentences. It's not the reason you've been telling yourself. CHAPTERS 00:16 — The plastic chair, the room going quiet, and knowing before you know why 00:46 — Six weeks postpartum, new town, no family, no one to talk to but her husband 01:11 — The things about babies nobody says out loud because they're 'obvious' 02:33 — Why she joined a mother's group, and the morning it all went sideways 03:27 — Twenty minutes late, sweaty, in her husband's vomit-swapped T-shirt 04:13 — Bows, baptism outfits and homemade plates: the prep she didn't know about 05:29 — Three questions. Name, baby's name, the birth. Easy. 06:07 — What recent trauma does when someone kindly asks you to tell it 08:00 — The Wi-Fi freeze: watching the room drop out in real time 09:00 — Morning tea, the decaf, and 'where the f*ck are we?' 10:01 — Kate's three sentences, and the instruction Jane never heard 11:30 — The most embarrassing moment, and the one heading she filed it under for years 12:44 — Going back into the room with the lens she has now 12:55 — The two filters: the words she heard vs the contract underneath them 14:00 — The freeze wasn't a verdict — it was sorting happening in front of her 14:49 — Why it was actually the most efficient thing she's ever done 15:10 — The next week: the biscuits, the permanent marker, the friend for life 16:43 — The pram that rolled past the window on its own 17:24 — Watching the room split again — who moves away, who leans in 18:11 — Told to be less your whole life — and why she won't join that group 19:14 — Being an adult: let people move towards you or away, but let them choose 20:11 — Telling everyone who you are up front, and the door it leaves open RESOURCES & REFERENCES Free Resources After Your Diagnosis Kit — for the 'oh, that's why I've always done that' realisation — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mum-after-diagnosis-kit/ Paid Resources Navigating School Pick-Up & Social Settings — the guide Jane names in this episode: how ADHD and autistic mums read social situations, how neurotypical people do, and how to bridge the gap — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/surviving-school-pick-up/ ADHD Reset Workbook — Values, Energy & Planning — for the days the too-much shame has flattened you — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-reset-workbook-values-energy-planning-for-adhd-mums/ ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/ Related Episodes Is It Social Anxiety — or Is It Autism — S3, with Amanda Moses — the 'said too much, read the room wrong' feeling — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-34-is-it-social-anxiety-or-is-it-autism-with-amanda-moses/ Too Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & Emotional Intensity — Jane solo — the after-sting of 'too much' — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/ The Untold Struggles of Motherhood (Part 1) — Jane solo — new-baby isolation, no support — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-45-the-untold-struggles-of-motherhood-part-1/ Is It ADHD or Motherhood? — Jane solo — the invisible rulebook nobody hands you — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-22-is-it-adhd-or-motherhood-solo-episode/ Listener Questions & Community ️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group Receive the episodes in your inbox

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  Episode #21

  S4 E21. The 3 Types of ADHD in Women (And Why So Many of Us Go Undiagnosed)

  Aug 12, 202618 minS4

  For thirty years, ADHD has had one wanted poster. Loud, can't sit still, disrupting the class, talking back — a boy. And you weren't him. So you walked past every checkpoint in your life — the GP, the teachers, the report cards, the parent-teacher nights — and nobody stopped you. Maybe someone said you were bright, you just needed to apply yourself. Maybe you got 'conscientious' on every report card. And conscientious doesn't go with ADHD, does it? Three different women can all have ADHD. All three can walk straight past that same poster on the wall, and not one of them gets stopped — because not one of them looks like the sketch. This episode is Jane putting three new posters up: the inattentive mum told to try harder, the 'too much' mum who apologises for her personality before she's said a word, and the 'fine' mum everyone leans on who's hanging off a cliff on the inside. See if you find your own face on the wall. Take the self-test: https://preview.mailerlite.io/forms/768431/173992641938064622/share Chapters 00:00 — The one wanted poster ADHD has had for thirty years 01:25 — Three women, one poster, and why none of them get stopped 02:17 — Who drew the poster — and why the quiet ones were never in the sketch 03:54 — One Monday morning, one clock, four different mothers 04:32 — The neurotypical mum, and where the difference actually shows up 05:54 — Profile 1: the inattentive mum, told her whole life to try harder 07:36 — The planner graveyard — six apps, four planners, three years of fresh starts 08:17 — Profile 2: the mum who's always been 'too much' 09:12 — Apologising for your personality before the conversation starts 09:39 — The drive home, and the tape that runs every single time 11:00 — Profile 3: the mum everyone says is 'fine' 11:50 — 'I don't know how you do it' — and why it doesn't land as a compliment 12:54 — Why she only rests when her body reaches up and stops her 13:35 — The real reason so many of us slipped through — it didn't cost anyone else 15:07 — If you've just been diagnosed: the relief, the grief, and what you can put down 15:56 — How we actually redraw the poster What We Cover The single wanted poster ADHD has been diagnosed against for thirty years — and why your face was never on it Why 'conscientious' on every report card was a signal everyone read backwards One ordinary Monday school run, four mothers, one clock — and the four completely different mornings happening behind the same front doors Profile 1, the inattentive mum: the permission slip she looked at on four separate nights, and why no planner, app or alarm has ever held The difference between a neurotypical mum forgetting the form and an ADHD mum forgetting it — it's not the forgetting, it's what happens next Profile 2, the 'too much' mum: the verbal hyperactivity nobody put on a poster, and the tape that runs on every drive home Why apologising for your own personality before you've started talking should be a diagnostic tick in its own right Profile 3, the mum everyone calls 'fine': the one who looks the most together and is the closest to the edge, and why 'I don't know how you do it' makes her feel more alone The uncomfortable answer to why so many of us went undiagnosed — not because our ADHD was lighter, but because it only ever cost us What there is to feel if you've been diagnosed late — the relief, the grief for what might have been — and the part of it you're allowed to put down How the poster actually gets redrawn, and the one small thing that starts it Free Resources Preparing for Diagnosis — for the 'oh, that's me' moment, and what to do next — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/preparing-for-diagnosis/ After Your Diagnosis Kit — for the relief-and-grief part, if you've already been diagnosed — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mum-after-diagnosis-kit/ Paid Resources Pre-Diagnosis Workbook — the deeper 'get clear before you spend money on an assessment' version — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/prediagnosisworkbook/ Assessment & Diagnosis Bundle — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/bundle-adhd-diagnosis-assessment-guides/ Related Episodes Too Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & the Power of Emotional Intensity — S2 EP83, Jane solo — the deep dive on the 'too much' profile — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/ ADHD or PTSD? Why So Many Women Are Misdiagnosed — S2 EP82, with Amanda Moses — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-82-adhd-or-ptsd-why-so-many-women-are-misdiagnosed-with-amanda-moses/ ADHD Mum: What You Need to Know After Your Diagnosis — S2 EP55, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-55-adhd-mum-what-you-need-to-know-after-your-diagnosis-solo-episode-with-jane-mcfadden/ Listener Questions & Community ️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group Receive the episodes in your inbox

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  Episode #20

  ADHD and Marriage: We Separated for 18 Months. Then He Got Diagnosed. (with Emily Jade O'Keefe)

  Aug 10, 202629 minS4

  In the Facebook group there's a pattern that comes up again and again: the mum grows. She gets the kids assessed, she starts to recognise herself, she does the reading and the therapy and the work — and the husband lags behind. He won't consider that he's neurodivergent, or the problem is always someone else. The kids. The school. Her. And underneath it all is the question so many women are actually asking: how do I get him to see it, and is it even worth staying? Emily Jade O'Keefe's story runs the whole thing backwards. Her husband got diagnosed first — but only after they'd separated for 18 months, after the mudslinging and the lawyers, after she'd rebuilt herself from the floor up. This is the rare positive one: what happened when the diagnosis finally came, why she chose to help him when almost nobody would have, and the single question a marriage counsellor gave her that changed everything — 'is it arsehole or ADHD?' CHAPTERS 00:00 — Meet Emily Jade O'Keefe — 30 years in radio, and why she drove up from the Gold Coast 02:46 — The order most families discover it in — and why Emily's ran backwards 03:46 — 18 months apart: 'I was devastated, and he said can you just get over it' 06:07 — Rock bottom, and the call that started with 'you were right' 08:17 — 'I removed myself from the marriage and the problem was still there' 09:17 — The groceries, the tone, and the pressure that was never actually there 10:15 — PDA — a name for the thing Emily had been living without knowing 13:00 — The first six months: lawyers, mudslinging, and the awakening that stopped it 16:50 — 'I'll dance with my daughter's dad at her wedding' — the line that set the path 20:00 — 'I can't be the problem again' — why she wouldn't just take him back 23:30 — 'Is it arsehole or ADHD?' — the counsellor question that changed how they fight 26:00 — Woo back or woo up — how they actually communicate now 28:00 — The one thing she'd tell you to do first — and it isn't about him What We Cover The pattern Jane sees constantly in the group — the mum who grows while the partner stays certain the problem is everyone else — and how Emily's story ran the opposite way What 18 months of separation actually looked like: the lawyers, the grief, and the slow realisation that leaving didn't fix the thing that was wrong The moment her husband hit rock bottom and came back to the person he'd hurt most — and why she said yes How undiagnosed ADHD and autism had been quietly rewiring every conversation — the groceries, the 'I miss you,' the pressure that was only ever in his own head PDA — the framework Jane raises that gave a name to years of Emily's confusion (see the note below on the terminology) Why Emily refused to simply reunite — 'I can't be the problem again' — and what she required instead The Jennifer Garner line that reset her whole approach to co-parenting The marriage counsellor's question that changed how they argue — 'is it arsehole or ADHD?' — and why a reason isn't the same as an excuse What Emily says actually has to happen before a resistant partner will change — and the honest, uncomfortable truth about waiting for rock bottom The one thing she'd tell any woman to do first, and it has nothing to do with him RELATED EPISODES: Struggling to Understand ADHD? Here's What Your Partner Needs You to Know — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-58-struggling-to-understand-adhd-heres-what-your-partner-needs-you-to-know/ Is PDA Real and What Can We Do About It? (with Michelle Garnett) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-30-could-it-be-pda-exploring-the-signs-and-why-its-different-from-odd/ Co-Parenting Amidst Diagnosis Disagreements (with Alana Manix) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-1-co-parenting-amidst-diagnosis-disagreements/ FREE RESOURCES Preparing for Diagnosis — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/preparing-for-diagnosis/ Emily Jade O’Keeffe is a much-loved Gold Coast media personality, and co-host of the number one breakfast show, Galey & Emily Jade, on 102.9 Hot Tomato. With more than 30 years in radio, television and media, Emily is also the co-creator and co-host of the Move Over Mama podcast alongside her teenage daughter, Millie. A wife and mother of two, Emily brings warmth, humour and honesty to all her audiences. Move Over Mama and Emily Jade's IG here Listener Questions & Community ️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group Receive the episodes in your inbox

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  Episode #19

  Mental Load: 'I'm Just Tired of Being the Only Adult.' When the Kids Start Paying For It.

  Aug 5, 202624 minS4

  The mental load starts as the thing you can laugh about — the admin, the medal for mowing the lawn. And then, somewhere underneath it, it stops being funny. It's the sentence that comes out of your mouth before you can stop it: 'would you mind having the kids on Saturday so I can get a haircut' — asking the other parent for their own children like you're lodging annual leave with HR. It's 'they were so good while you were gone,' and knowing 'good' meant nobody got fed. It's being so tired of being the only adult in the building that you stop being angry and just go quiet. This is Part 3, the last in the series, and it's the heavy one. It begins with a laugh and then it lets that laugh go. This one is for you, on your own, with your headphones in — and if you're right on the edge of exasperation today, Jane's honest recommendation is that you save this one for another day. Built entirely from what you wrote in. Support links are in the notes below. CHAPTERS 00:00 — The last one. It starts funny, then it doesn't. 00:44 — 'I shouldn't have to book my own kids in like it's annual leave' 01:37 — Watch where the school emails go — and the 11-day anaphylaxis email 03:37 — 'It was so easy while you were gone.' Was it though? 05:41 — The 7am text from Cassie, and what Jane wrote back without thinking 07:32 — 'I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just so tired of being the only adult.' 07:46 — The nine-year-old asked to regulate himself while the 39-year-old isn't 11:33 — The question underneath all of it: are these women still with them? 12:37 — 'Supportive of what?' — when the pat on the back keeps you carrying it 14:39 — The economy of gratitude — his effort is a gift, yours is the weather 15:03 — 'He's cheaper than hiring someone' — the accounting that holds women in place 16:58 — Why this lands twice as hard on an ADHD mum — the load that has no gender, and the one that does 20:52 — Why leaving isn't the easy answer, and the thing nobody says about single-mother poverty 22:38 — This series was never mine. It was yours. What We Cover The sentence so many women said comes out of their mouths and they don't know how they got there — asking the other parent to mind their own kids Where the pattern hides in plain sight — whose inbox the school actually emails, and the 11-day reply to an anaphylaxis email that says everything 'It was so easy while you were gone' — what 'good' actually meant, and where the bar for care got left The 7am text from a friend that Jane laughed at before she worried, and the moment it turned from a joke into something real The messages about children being asked to manage their emotions while a grown adult in the same house isn't — and what it costs the kid who gives up on a parent The question that started sitting under every message — are these women still with their partners, and if it's this hard, why do we stay? 'Supportive of what?' — the uncomfortable idea that the comfort itself might be the thing keeping you carrying all of it A sociologist's phrase you can't unhear — why his effort gets thanked and yours becomes the weather Why this exact load lands twice as hard on an ADHD mum — the part that has no gender, and the part that absolutely does The honest, un-tidy truth about why leaving isn't a clean answer — and the structural thing nobody wants to name Support If anything in this episode landed close to home, you don't have to sit with it alone. 1800RESPECT — national domestic, family and sexual violence counselling — 1800 737 732, or 1800respect.org.au (24/7, free, confidential). Lifeline — 13 11 14, or lifeline.org.au (24/7 crisis support). If you're not sure whether what you're experiencing 'counts,' you can still call. They will talk it through with you. Free Resources Household Family Meeting Template — for the 'hand over a whole job, not a favour' conversation this episode is really about — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ Related Episodes The Admin Husband: 'Do We Have Parmesan?' — Part 1 — https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/mental-load-do-we-have-parmesan-cheese-he-was-standing/id1686843092?i=1000777917338 The Gold Medal Husband: 'Did You See the Lawn?' — Part 2 https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/mental-load-he-mowed-the-lawn-once-and-wanted-to-know-if-you-saw-it/ I Love My Family… But I'm So F**king Angry (Mum Rage Part 1) — S2 EP84 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-84-i-love-my-family-but-im-so-fking-angry-mum-rage-part-1/ What We Wish Our Partners Knew About the Mental Load — And How to Truly Support Us — S2 EP75 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-75-what-we-wish-our-partners-knew-about-the-mental-load-and-how-to-truly-support-us/ References & Further Reading Hochschild, A. R. (1989). The Second Shift: Working Families and the Revolution at Home. Viking. (The 'economy of gratitude' Jane cites — whose effort reads as a gift to be thanked, and whose reads as the background running of the house.) Also relevant — the cognitive/mental load framework underpinning the whole series: Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007 Listener Questions & Community ️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group Receive the episodes in your inbox

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