Episode #67
#67 Why Treating Your 20-Year-Old Like a 5-Year-Old Ruins the Relationship
We all know intellectually that a parent of a 20-year-old should not treat their child like a 5-year-old. Yet many of us still do it without realizing it. Is there a parenting style that grows with your kids? In this episode we walk through Focus on the Family’s four parenting stages — Commander, Coach, Counselor, and Consultant — and why shifting from one to the next is one of the most important (and most neglected) skills in parenting. We look at what happens when parents get stuck in the wrong stage: the rebellion or dependency that comes from staying in Commander mode too long, the quiet resentment that builds when we keep coaching adult children, and the damage done when we treat young kids like they already have adult reasoning. If you’ve ever wondered why the relationship with your kids feels strained, or why they pull away even when you’re trying to help, this conversation will give you a clear framework for changing your approach as they change. Timeline: 00:00 – Introduction & Welcome 00:38 – The 4 Stages of Parenting (Commander, Coach, Counselor, Consultant) 01:54 – Why Parents Must Shift as Kids Grow 03:29 – What Happens When You Stay in Commander Mode Too Long 05:14 – The Danger of Becoming Counselor/Consultant Too Early 06:52 – Problems with Staying in Coach Mode Too Long 08:05 – When Counselor Mode Starts to Push Kids Away 10:15 – “I Fired Myself” – Giving Adult Kids Space15:01 – Signs You Need to Adapt Your Parenting Style 16:33 – The Skills Kids Actually Need (Physical + Emotional) 19:05 – Play the Movie: Raising Adults, Not Children 22:13 – Advice for Parents Who Feel They Missed It 27:01 – How Honest Should You Be About Your Own Mistakes? 30:22 – When Is Your Influence Too Much? (College, Dating, Career) 35:10 – Final Encouragement & Closing Youtube: https://youtu.be/12hDEDKgYJ4 For more information about James Pellicane https://www.happyhomeuniversity.com/coaching
