Human to Human
One Year Alcohol Free!!! | EP 183
Today is August 16, 2026, and I haven't drank alcohol since June 22, 2025. Written on March 28, 2026 - 2 months before my one year alcohol free I was finally able to stop drinking when I stopped making myself decide if I was drinking or not. Something clicked in June of last year. My therapist and I were discussing the reasons why I don’t want to drink. “ What’s your dream scenario?” “Everyone thinks I’m drinking but I’m actually not.” “So the only thing that’s stopping you from not drinking anymore, is how other people would feel about you not drinking?” It went something like that. I find this topic extremely hard to put into words. And I find the concepts I’m exploring in therapy (people pleasing) also really hard to put into words. I think it’s because I haven’t fully grasped any of it yet. I haven’t drank for 10 months and I still don’t feel like I can make some announcement saying I don’t drink. That’s a sentence I’ve only said a few times but am starting to find more familiarity with: “I don’t drink.” End of sentence. No explanation. No rationalization. This whole not drinking thing isn’t new for me though. I spent 5 years struggling with alcohol. Struggling to understand why I would drink to the point of throwing up, at least once a month. Then once a month became only once every few months. Then it wasn’t me throwing up, but it was somehow still too much. Having the worst hangxiety where I couldn’t stop crying. Getting into a fight with my boyfriend about nothing. These instances all started to add up. Stacking against alcohol again and again. Until one Sunday afternoon when Josh and I had gone for a walk to take a break from a family thing, we sat at an outdoor patio. I contemplated Pina colada with rum or without. I went for with. Maybe it was in that moment or maybe it was later that I thought, “why the fuck did I say with??” My mood changed immediately after that drink, I felt slumpy, low energy, down. All the bullshit it does to you. This was my last drink. What I came to learn that shifted things: 1) I obviously didn’t want to drink. Period. 2) I was scared of what people would think if I stopped. 3) If I kept leaving the decision till the moment the alcohol is in front of my face, I’ll never win. At some point after that one Pina colada I said to myself, “That’s it. For an entire year I’m not drinking. Just see if you can do it. Don’t tell anyone about it, just see if you can.” It started as a secret promise with myself. Every time alcohol presented itself I knew I had this secret to keep so I said no. And each time it stopped being a “Hmmm should I??? Shouldn’t I??” It became a full stop no and I let myself not over explain it all. Eventually I started sharing this promise but it took a long time. First with Josh, at a bonfire on a camping trip just the two of us. I’ve been the most honest with him about it all. I said the real truth, that I think booze is a serious problem for me. Words I don’t say out loud very openly. Then I slowly got the courage to tell my family and then eventually my friends. But not in that same way I phrased it. Not drinking is starting to become more normal for me. It’s still hard sometimes and I get random cravings out of nowhere that I have to ride out. Being unapologetic about not drinking is so refreshing to see, but it’s not quite me yet. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish at a party everyone thought I was drinking. I want to still be part of the energy without this shit going in my body. And thats okay. I’m not the poster girl for living alcohol free. But I wanted to share where I’ve been so far. Almost at 12 months! Submit a question for the podcast! LINKS: ➡️ Socials: @withjessicajane :) ➡️ Subscribe to my newsletter HERE! Produced by Jessica Jane Audio Post-Production by Ben Rowland
