She Leads with Carly
The Science of Chemistry, Desire, and Lasting Relationships | Dr. Amy Muise (Relationship Scientist)
Dr. Amy Muise, an Associate Professor of Psychology and York Research Chair in Relationships and Sexuality at York University, directs the Sexual Health and Relationships (SHaRe) Lab, where she studies how couples build and sustain desire over time. In this episode, Dr. Amy breaks down why sexual desire declines even in happy relationships, the data behind planned versus spontaneous sex, and what actually predicts romantic chemistry. She also covers the surprising link between household labor and desire, and how to think about first dates without over-relying on "the spark." References: Art Aron: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arthur_Aron Dr. Amy Muise: https://discover.academics.yorku.ca/Amy.Muise Eric Tu: https://erictu.ca/ Lorne Campbell: https://www.psychology.uwo.ca/people/faculty/Campbell.html SHaRe Lab: https://www.amymuise.com York University: https://www.yorku.ca Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 01:40 How one undergrad thesis led to a career studying relationships 02:46 Why sexual desire, specifically, became her research focus 05:43 The myth that desire stays high in a "healthy" relationship 08:00 Familiarity, novelty, and the self-expanding experiences that sustain desire 10:00 Is there a normal amount of sex to have 12:38 The gender gap in desire, and why it exists 13:32 How an unequal household load quietly lowers desire 20:58 The overwhelming, mostly false belief about spontaneous sex 22:44 Rebranding planned sex like planning a vacation 26:58 Should more couples be planning sex? 28:57 The five ingredients of real romantic chemistry 32:45 Why 40% of happy couples felt no spark at first 34:44 What a first date can, and can't, predict 36:52 Why relationship scientists struggle to predict compatibility 39:00 Beyond small talk: the "fast friends" questions that build closeness 46:50 Destiny vs. growth beliefs, and why growth wins 49:34 The craft Amy is spending a lifetime honing
