The People Teaching People Podcast
084: What Our Friendships Teach Us with Tiana Fech
What have your friendships taught you about who you are? In this episode of The People Teaching People Podcast, I explore something we start learning about when we are very young and, apparently, never completely figure out: friendship. As a mom, I have watched our three boys navigate the highs, lows, misunderstandings, shifting friend groups, and questions of belonging that come with friendship. Their experiences have brought me back to my own childhood and teenage friendships, while also making me think about the relationships that are part of my life now at 48. Some friendships have known us almost our entire lives. Others find us because we happen to be in the same place at the same time. Some last for decades, while others belong to one meaningful season. There are friendships that make us feel deeply known and friendships that help us understand the difference between fitting in and truly belonging. Through stories of lifelong friends, parenting, marriage, changing friendships, a 30-year school reunion, and some of the people who have surprised me along the way, I reflect on what our friendships can teach us about connection, acceptance, growth, and ourselves. Because perhaps friendship is not something we ever finish learning. The people who walk beside us, whether for a lifetime or for one particular chapter, can all have something to teach us. Listen in as we talk about: 01:00 Reflections on friendship 03:20 Friends who know our history 06:17 The seasons of friendship 08:55 The circles of friendship 13:29 When friendship hurts 15:33 The friend I want to be 17:06 Friendship can still surprise us 17:47 What our friendships teach us Connect with Tiana: Website: https://tianafech.com LinkedIn: Tiana Fech Instagram: @tianafech Facebook: @tianafech Book: Online Course Creation 101: A step-by-step guide to creating your first online course NEW Workbook: Your Expertise Ready to Download – Turn what you know into an impactful downloadable resource FRIENDS WHO KNOW OUR HISTORY Some friendships hold an extraordinary amount of our history. These are the people who knew us before careers, marriage, children, and so many of the experiences that shaped who we are today. I have friendships that began at birth and in Grade 2, and decades later, these are still people I can talk to about almost anything. There is an ease that can come from being known by someone who already understands so much of your backstory. But shared history alone does not keep a lifelong friendship strong. People change, priorities shift, and we become different versions of ourselves over time. Maybe one of the gifts of a lasting friendship is having someone who remembers who we were while still making room for who we are becoming. THE SEASONS OF FRIENDSHIP Many adult friendships begin because life puts us in the same place at the same time. We meet people through our children, work, volunteering, neighbourhoods, conferences, activities, shared interests, and all kinds of ordinary moments. Some of those friendships continue long after the thing that originally brought us together is gone, while others gradually become more distant. I used to think that if a friendship faded, it meant something had gone wrong. I don’t think I believe that anymore. Some people are incredibly important during a particular season of our lives, and a friendship does not have to last forever to have mattered. We can be grateful for the people who walked beside us for part of the journey, even when life eventually takes us in different directions. THE CIRCLES OF FRIENDSHIP I have been thinking about friendship in circles. There are people in that very small inner circle who know almost everything about us, people we care deeply about but may not share every part of our lives with, and people in wider circles who still bring laughter, conversation, encouragement, ideas, or connection. One of the people in my innermost circle is my husband. After 21 years of marriage and raising three children together, we have shared so much life, but we are still two different people with our own interests, friendships, and things we enjoy separately. Closeness does not have to mean doing everything together or seeing everything in exactly the same way. I think some of my own uncertainty around friendship has come from expecting a relationship to be something it isn’t. Not every friend needs to hold the same place in our lives, and closeness is not always measured by how often we see or talk to someone. Returning to Pearson College for my 30-year reunion reminded me of that. After decades apart, there were friendships where the connection was still there almost immediately. Maybe part of understanding friendship as we get older is learning to appreciate people for the place they genuinely hold in our lives, rather than trying to pull every friendship into the innermost circle. WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS Friendship can bring enormous joy and connection, but it can also hurt. There have been moments when I have felt left out, lonely, or unsure of where I belonged. Sometimes circumstances change. Sometimes values change. Sometimes the energy in a friendship shifts, and we feel it before we can even explain exactly what is different. Those experiences can make us pay attention to how we feel around other people. Do I feel accepted? Can I be myself? Am I always trying to fit in, or do I actually feel like I belong? For me, that difference has become increasingly important. I don’t want to have to perform friendship. I want relationships with enough acceptance underneath them that I can show up as myself, imperfections and all. THE FRIEND I WANT TO BE “Our friendships teach us what we value in our relationships, but they also teach us the kind of friend we want to be.” Maybe one of the biggest things friendship asks us to think about is the kind of friend we want to be. I want to be someone who celebrates my friends when they are not in the room, makes space at the table, shares opportunities, reaches out just because, checks in when things are hard, and is genuinely excited when something wonderful happens for someone else. I also want to be a friend who can say, “I got that wrong,” or “I’m sorry,” or “Tell me what I missed.” There is so much teaching and learning happening inside friendship as we learn to listen, communicate, repair, forgive, cheer one another on, ask for help, and sometimes let go. Our friendships can show us what we need from others, but they can also invite us to think more intentionally about what we offer in return. FRIENDSHIPS CAN KEEP SURPRISING US Friendship is not something reserved for the people who have known us since childhood. Some of the wonderful people in my life today are people I could not possibly have known twenty or thirty years ago because our paths simply had not crossed yet. I have met people through work, conferences, workshops, community projects, and this podcast who have become meaningful parts of my life. I find something hopeful in remembering that there are still people we have not met yet. There are future conversations, coffees, projects, introductions, and unexpected connections ahead of us. Our friendship story is not finished. WHAT FRIENDSHIPS TEACH US Our friendships teach us about other people, but they also teach us about ourselves. They show us what we value, help us recognize what belonging feels like, reveal what we need, and invite us to consider how we show up for the people around us. They also remind us that a friendship can change without erasing what it once meant, and that someone does not need to be part of every chapter to have been an important part of our story. So when you think about the friendships that have shaped your own life, what have they taught you? Who has made you feel deeply known? Who walked beside you during a particular season? Who makes you laugh, challenges you, celebrates you, or simply makes you feel like you belong? And maybe most importantly, what kind of friend do you want to be?
