Menopause, Meltdowns & Magic - Two AuDHD, midlife mums. Two countries. Too many tabs open.

Join Tanya Valentin (NZ neuro-affirming family coach) and Emma Gilmour (AUS alcohol-free & neurodivergent women’s coach) for honest, heart-led chats about being late-diagnosed AuDHD, perimenopausal, parenting teens in burnout, and trying not to lose ourselves (again). We cover masking, menopause, motherhood, identity, friendship, grief, and the messy magic of raising neurodivergent kids.This is a podcast for every mum who’s ever felt like she’s doing it wrong, too much, or not enough.Expect laughter, raw honesty, a little swearing, and a whole lot of validation.

Menopause, Meltdowns & Magic - Two AuDHD, midlife mums. Two countries. Too many tabs open. is a kids podcast hosted by Tanya Valentin and Emma Gilmour, with 14 episodes on record and a Required Pod Score of 80.

Tanya Valentin and Emma Gilmour hosts Menopause, Meltdowns & Magic - Two AuDHD, midlife mums. Two countries. Too many tabs open., a kids show with 14 episodes published.

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  Episode #5

  When School Is Not Working: Unschooling, Burnout and Trust With Guest Melissa Crockett-Joyoue

  Sep 25, 202658 minS2

  Some children cannot learn at school, and some parents are left holding that truth while everyone around them has an opinion about it. In this conversation, Tanya and Emma sit down with Melissa Crockett-Joyoue, a Māori, late-diagnosed AuDHD mama of two unschooled neurodivergent children. Melissa is also the co-founder of the Unschooling Summit and the founder of Weave ND, an online membership community that supports neurodivergent unschooling families, with a focus on capacity building and connection for the parents. Melissa shares how her family arrived at unschooling out of crisis rather than choice, and what she has come to understand about learning, trust and nervous systems alongthe way. Together they explore what unschooling actually is, why so many parents feel an unravelling when they step away from a schoolish way of seeing the world, and what learning can look like during burnout when it may not look like learning at all. There is honest talk about grief, masking, friendship and the quiet work of caring for your own nervous system so that you can hold your child’s. If your child is in burnout and you are wondering whether they are falling behind, this conversation may offer some breathing room. You may find it supportive to listen for: Unschooling as child led, parent supported learning that rests on trust and relationship Why learning during burnout may begin with emotions, connection and environment Ways to notice the learning already happening in special interests and gaming The many pathways into further study later, when a young person knows what motivates them Masking, people pleasing and the cost school can carry for some neurodivergent children The grief parents carry, and why your own nervous system capacity matters Melissa Crockett-Joyoue lives in Aotearoa (New Zealand), is Māori and a late diagnosed AuDHD māmā of two unschooled neurodivergent children. Melissa is the founder of Weave ND, an online membership community dedicated to creating connection and building capacity of the parents in neurodivergent unschooling families. She's passionate about advocating for unschooling as an enriching and potentially life-changing path for families, especially those with neurodivergent kids. This lead her to co-found the international online 'The Unschooling Summit' with Esther Jones, which has reached over 11,000 families from 60+ countries over the last two years. https://weave-community.mn.co/ https://www.instagram.com/weave.nd.unschooling Offers & further support FREE 3-Day Alcohol Reset with Emma 22-24 September, 7:30pm AEST (replays available). Ajudgement-free space to learn tools for a take it or leave it relationship withalcohol. ⁠⁠ Register → ⁠⁠ The Great Aussie Alcohol Experiment with Emma Live from 1 October, 30 days, small group coaching, 25spots only. ⁠⁠ Join → ⁠⁠ Tanya's free 10-Day Tiny Anchors Journey A gentle, guided starting point for parents wanting asmall, doable anchor in the day to day of burnout recovery. ⁠⁠ Start the journey → ⁠

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  Episode #4

  Neurodivergent Marriages and Partnerships

  Sep 15, 20261h 4mS2

  Tanya and Emma sit down for an honest, unscripted conversation about what happens to a marriage or partnership when one or both parents are neurodivergent, and when a child moves into burnout. They talk about co-regulation, the invisible load carried by the primary caregiver, the grief of an imagined future that never arrived, and why so many parents feel trapped between their own safety and their family's survival. It is a tender, sometimes raw episode, and one both hosts say could easily have run for hours. In this episode The long middle of a neurodivergent marriage - Tanya reflects on her own thirty-year marriage, marriedat twenty with no idea either of them was neurodivergent, a hard decade of not knowing if they would stay together, and the slow, ongoing work of rediscovering the relationship as two neurodivergent people. One partner usually leads, the other catches up (or doesn't) - Parenting differently is heavily conditioned against. Often one partner takes the lead in learning new, more neuroaffirming ways and becomes the primary caregiver during a child's burnout, while the other defaults to managing finances and logistics, a split that can breed resentment and feel like judgment rather than support. Co-regulation quietly shifts from partner to child - Many neurodivergent couples unconsciously co-regulate each other, often without realising it's a foundation of the relationship. When children arrive, that co regulation frequently shifts onto them instead, leaving the partnership without the thing that was holding it steady. Financial dependency and fawning history can trap people in unsafe places - Stepping back from career to caregiver comes with a real cost: less financial independence, less agency, and more vulnerability,especially layered on top of a fawning, people-pleasing history. Both hosts hear from women, especially in school can't and PDA communities, who stay in relationships that aren't safe or fulfilling because there's no financial way out. The exhausting performance of the 'perfect parent' is a safety response - Pinterest parties, working-mother guilt, and the pressure to look like you have it all together aren't vanity. Tanya and Emma name these as nervous system safety responses to a deep fear of being seen asfaulty, and talk about the grief underneath it all for the imagined future and community that didn't turn out as hoped. It's especially hard for dads to be vulnerable or ask for help - Cultural conditioning tells men to toughen up and solve things themselves, therapy carries cost and stigma, and shame often sits underneath anger or control when a father feels powerless to fix his child'sstruggles. For Tanya, the biggest turning point in her marriage was her husband seeking outside support and the two of them doing the Tuning into Teens course together. Mentioned in this episode Untamed by Glennon Doyle — referenced for the 'your house is your drawbridge' concept Tuning into Teens — the parenting course Tanya and her husband completed together Practical Magic 2 — the film Tanya's magic moment references Offers & further support FREE 3-Day Alcohol Reset with Emma 22-24 September, 7:30pm AEST (replays available). Ajudgement-free space to learn tools for a take it or leave it relationship withalcohol. Register → The Great Aussie Alcohol Experiment with Emma Live from 1 October, 30 days, small group coaching, 25spots only. Join → Tanya's free 10-Day Tiny Anchors Journey A gentle, guided starting point for parents wanting asmall, doable anchor in the day to day of burnout recovery. Start the journey →

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  Episode #3

  Rupture and Repair: Healing the Cracks in Our Relationships

  Sep 7, 202659 minS2

  Most of us grew up believing that a good relationship never has disagreements, conflict, or angry words. In this episode, Tanya and Emma sit with the opposite idea: that rupture is inevitable, and the real skill we were never taught is repair. Together they trace how their families of origin handled conflict (mostly by not handling it at all), why saying sorry to your own children can feel like breaking a generational rule, and how becoming the first generation to actually apologise reshapes the relationship on both sides. The conversation moves from parenting into perimenopause, masking and unmasking, and the friendships and family ties that do not survive us becoming more honest about our needs. It closes with a set of practical strategies for the relationships we cannot walk away from and a reminder that a relationship which can survive rupture and repair is stronger for it. In This Episode Why rupture and repair is the topic, and how it kept showing up everywhere this week Growing up where adults had the final say and feelings were not up for discussion The myth that parents must know everything and never make mistakes Being the first generation in the family to say sorry to their children, and meaning it The shame wired into asking for what you need: “don't be so needy” A therapist's reframe: would you take offence if your own child told you that you hurt them? What it looked like when their children, post-burnout, told them everything that had hurt ADHD, executive functioning, and the “why can't you just do the thing” spiral How it took their children collapsing into burnout for the pattern to become visible Why the absence of repair hurts more than the original rupture Being judged as a parent by how “well-behaved” your children are in public Practical strategies for hard family visits: time-boxing, radical acceptance, and taking breaks Glennon Doyle's Untamed and the “leave your fear at the door” family boundary Naming family culture rules in advance, including no commentary on bodies Fawning, courage, and finding the words in the moment The core ingredient of repair: holding two truths (multiplicity) at once. Resources & Mentions Untamed by Glennon Doyle — referenced for the “leave your fear at the door” boundary with visitors Magic Moments (Glimmers) Tanya - Ordering dinner-plate-sized dahlia bulbs and getting anticipatory joy from the wait Emma - Buying a trans and LGBTIQ+ ally pin that says “you are safe with me” If you are a parent of a neurodivergent child in burnout and you would like something to hold you while you hold everyone else, download ⁠⁠the free 10 Tiny Anchors Journey⁠⁠ If you are a woman who is questioning your relationship with alcohol, explore Emma's membership: ⁠⁠https://www.hoperisingcoaching.com/bethelighthouse⁠⁠

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  Episode #2

  Insight Isn’t Immunity: Understanding, Feeling, and the Parts of Us Still Learning to Trust Ourselves

  Aug 25, 20261h 4mS2

  This week Tanya sits down with Emma for a wandering,honest conversation about the gap between understanding something and actually feeling it. They talk about why knowing the “why” behind a meltdown, a trigger, or a parenting mistake doesn’t stop it from hurting, and how intellectualising can quietly become another way of bypassing our own nervous systems. From attachment wounds and trauma responses to theparticular grief of realising the harm done before a late autism diagnosis, this one goes deep. They also share the small, unfussy things that help them come back to themselves: dancing badly in the kitchen, talking to trees, and letting a feeling last its real ninety seconds instead of the story we build around it. In this episode Why insight and understanding don’t immunise us from hurt, grief, or overwhelm How intellectualising can be a trauma response and a nervous-system safety blanket Attachment patterns that show up when someone we love pulls away The particular shame of harm done before a late autism diagnosis Finding neurodivergent-affirming therapists, and why it’s worth vetting every one Tools for actually feeling a feeling: titration, pendulation, and the real ninety seconds What grounds each of them — dancing, nature, and safe anchors Magic moments Emma - A slow, sweet morning cuddled up with her daughter Daisy — mucking about in bed together instead of jumping straight into the routine Tanya - Listening to Brené Brown talk about wearing two watches— one for chronos time and one that belonged to her grandmother— which sent Tanya looking for her own grandmother’s watch, and the memories that came withfinding it. Resources mentioned Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman Gabor Maté’s work on trauma and addiction Francis Weller’s work on grief, including the gates of grief and grief for the unloved self Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson An article referenced as “the piece by Lindsay” — Lindsey Mackereth's Substack Kristy Forbes’s Substack If you are a parent of a neurodivergent child in burnout and you would like something to hold you while you hold everyone else, download ⁠the free 10 Tiny Anchors Journey⁠ If you are a woman who is questioning your relationship with alcohol, explore Emma's membership: ⁠https://www.hoperisingcoaching.com/bethelighthouse⁠

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  Episode #1

  When Trauma and Neurodivergence Get Tangled Together

  Aug 19, 202657 minS2

  In this episode, Tanya sits down with Emma for a conversation that goes right to the heart of a question so many parents in this community carry quietly: "Is it trauma, or is it neurodivergence?" Together they trace how the two get woven into each other from childhood, why masking costs so much more than it looks like from the outside, and what it means to try toparent differently while still learning the language yourself. This one is honest, a little raw in places, and full of the kind of recognition that makes you feel less alone. Grab a cup of tea before you press play. What we chat about in this episode: Why so many professionals label neurodivergent kids as traumatised, and thefear that stirs up in parents who did nothing wrong The ongoing debate of “is it trauma or is it neurodivergence,” and why Tanya and Emma see it as a false choice. A working definition of complex trauma: a heart that gets broken a million times and has to be put back together. What masking really costs, and how it gets layered into every part of a person rather than sitting on top like a persona. Why trauma is relational and situational, not an inevitable part of being neurodivergent. Power, compliance and why children who question the rules are so often met with cruelty. Situational mutism, freeze mode, and the lifelong echoes of being pushed to “just get the words out” The research linking autism itself to PTSD and complex PTSD, and the relief of realising “it's not just me” Why unmasking isn't always safe, and why that's allowed to stay true rather than be fixed. The reality of advocating for your child within systems that start treating you as the problem. Resources and mentions Sonny Jane Wise — the post on trauma and neurodivergence that sparked this conversation Lindsay's checklist on autism, stimming and CPTSD markers, mentioned as a helpful resource for parents and autistic adults The research paper on trauma and autistic people referenced around the 18–20 minute mark. The book on emotionally immature parents that Emma mentioned “Our hearts get broken a million times, and we have to put them back together. That's complex trauma.” If this episode landed for you, Tanya and Emma would love to hear where. Come share your own experience, your questions, or just tell them it's not just you. This is how we slowly build a world where more of us get to feel less alone in it. If you are a parent of a neurodivergent child in burnout and you would like something to hold you while you hold everyone else, download the free 10 Tiny Anchors Journey If you are a woman who is questioning your relationship with alcohol, get with Emma's membership: https://www.hoperisingcoaching.com/bethelighthouse

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